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30 December 2005 @ 09:38 pm
Do you ever feel like maybe you're just doing life incorrectly?  
I do - at least right now.

Perhaps some of you may remember this entry from about a year ago - in a nutshell, one of my oldest friends (we've known each other since we were 11), lost her husband. They'd been married for nearly 10 years and had twin 3-year-old girls.

Well, I just came home to a (rather late) Christmas card from her. She met a man this past April, married him 4 weeks later and is now pregnant with their first child.

I'm flabbergasted. On the one hand, considering that she met her first husband in January and married him in May and everyone thought THAT was insane at the time and they were married for nearly 10 years, it's not really a surprise. But on the other, I feel horribly guilty because I'm not exactly happy for her - at least not right now.

I just... have I been going about this the wrong why? Is that why I'm single? I wouldn't say I'm ridiculously cautious - I'll jump into a relationship head and heart first, but a marriage? Ah, no. But maybe that's the problem. Maybe I should throw caution to the wind and when in the throws of that initial New Relationship Energy and madly in love, should just go ahead and make what's supposed to be a lifetime commitment. But even writing that - I don't see how I ever COULD. I'm a planner by nature and I don't think I could just go, "Hey! Neither one of us has even known each other that long, but ya wanna get hitched?" And I honestly think that I ever met a man who proposed that soon, I'd turn on my heel and run in the opposite direction - or ask if he needed a green card.

I don't know. Maybe I just need to start dating more, although I've got mixed feelings on that, too. Why does this crap have to be so damned complicated? Bleh.

Oh yeah - Happy Freaking New Year. -.-
I feel: guiltyguilty
Allysonallysonsedai on December 31st, 2005 04:08 am (UTC)
No, I think you should do what's right for you.

If you married someone who was willing to get married that quickly, that probably means that he would be spontaneous by nature, and if you're a planner that could equal big problems down the road.

I understand your hesitancy to be overjoyed by her marriage. I cringed as well when I read that. But that's okay, maybe once you meet him you'll be able to warm up to the idea.
Alone in this crowded room: annearchy by myrafurannearchy on December 31st, 2005 04:08 am (UTC)
Happy New Year to you too, honey.

Mr. Annearchy has a friend named K who's about our age. He and I got engaged about a year after we met, which didn't seem abrupt; we were adults and knew what we wanted. We got married in September 1986. K attended our wedding with C, whom she had met 3 months earlier. They became engaged after 1 month and got married 2 months after we did. And 19+ years later they're still married. So sometimes that kind of whirlwind romance can work.
Ensign Sparklypoo: muggle wonderinglauriegilbert on December 31st, 2005 04:09 am (UTC)
Because its your heart and you actually care about it. *hugs* As for jumping in head first - its fine for dating, but I agree with you. Who knows what kind of a person he really is? People can hide things easily. Even jobs allow 3 months to get to know a person!!
Sometimes You Get Marshmallows: bandaidsflorahart on December 31st, 2005 04:31 am (UTC)
It's not that you're doing it wrong; it's that there are different ways for different people.

I don't think you should feel terribly guilty for not feeling happy for her, which I assume you are doing not-where-she-can-see-you. But it's fair for you to feel surprised and maybe kind of shocked. I also think it's fair for you to be worried about her, worried that this is too soon, too much, too ...everything.

And given all the trauma of the previous situation, it would be kind of normal for her to want a relationship, like NOW, that would not be all about the medical scary stuff. And it would be easy to take something that's really less than ideal. You know? And you are probably some kind of worried and some kind of jealous and some kind of uncertain.

I'm sorry that's no help, but I think your response and hers may both be really normal.
Jordan Catalanoprettyveela on December 31st, 2005 05:11 am (UTC)
I'll jump into a relationship head and heart first, but a marriage?

You already know that I'll jump in a second at a relationship, but I'd hesitate on a marriage because when I get married I want to stay married. It is possible to meet someone and have a world wind romance, but it's rare.

I'm flabbergasted. On the one hand, considering that she met her first husband in January and married him in May and everyone thought THAT was insane at the time and they were married for nearly 10 years, it's not really a surprise. But on the other, I feel horribly guilty because I'm not exactly happy for her - at least not right now.

If she's done this before and it succeeded then I can why she did it a second time, it worked didn't it?

Are you not exactly happy for her because you're a tiny bit envious? I know I always feel a bit sad/happy when my close friends get married.

wandmakerwandmaker on December 31st, 2005 05:50 am (UTC)
"Moving Right Along"
The fact is, there are 2 kinds of people. There are those who could meet a potential mate anyplace - and those who never seem to meet anyone.

Additionally, there are those people who are simply unable to be alone, and find it easy to slip into a new relationship. Believe it or not, it's more common with men. Down in Florida, where my Mom lives, you widowers moving in with new women practically the moment they return from the cemetary.

Your feelings are absolutely natural, and exist on several levels. First, after expending all your sympathy, compassion and angst for this dear friend at her untimely, tragic loss - here she bounces back at practically Warp speed. She meets, marries and gets pregnant...moving right along! Nothing complicated for HER. Meeting another guy? No prob. Getting another guy to commit? No prob. Getting married immediately? Bada-bing! Getting pregnant? Bada-boom!

Meanwhile, here we wonder why life has to be so complicated for US, but not for other women. For them...they'll meet a guy on jury duty, on line at the supermarket, at a traffic stop, whatever. The gorgeous, kind and funny man we all dream of meeting always moves in right next door to them. Their first blind date is always love at first sight. I knew a chick who met a guy like this: She'd just broken up with her boyfriend, and was walking down Park Avenue in tears, just when this totally hot guy was stepping out of his limo. They actually BUMPED INTO EACH OTHER! He asked why she was crying...blah, blah, blah. They're friggin married now!

Yeah. Fate sucks. And so does luck.

I mean, sure, you're happy for your friend. Her loss was a tragic one. But she's able to move one because of a unique combination of luck and personality. She's got the luck to meet somebody new, and she's got the personality which permits immediate rebonding, with very self-analysis.

Of course, as some others have already mentioned here...a few months is really undue haste. Hopefully, your friend's luck will hold out, and the new guy will be a keeper. My parents got married quickly, too. The crucial difference, though, is that your friend married almost immediately after suffering a major bereavement. Psychiatrists warn most people against making any major life decisions for at least a year after such a devastating loss.

And you haven't been doing anything wrong. People like us simply lack the "Finding a Guy Who Isn't a Self-Absorbed Asshole" gene. You know, like the "Having Men Call You" chromosome.

It's also known as luck.

Lissanne: Heartlissannej on December 31st, 2005 08:52 am (UTC)
I know that it would be too fast for me, but that doesn't mean it's not right for others. Each person is different, Morri, and sometimes short courtships work for some people. I do wish your friend the best of luck, though -- hopefully she has found happiness again with her new husband.
Kay Taylorkay_taylor on December 31st, 2005 02:09 pm (UTC)
Wow. That's just freaky. I'd run a million, million miles from anyone that (IMO) obviously needy.
piperki: moopiperki on January 4th, 2006 03:47 am (UTC)
Am I too late to comment? I'm still trying to catch up from when I was gone...you know, I married my husband pretty quickly after we started dating, but we'd been friends for about a year before that. The date of the wedding was earlier than either of us wanted, for various practical reasons I won't go into here. But we did wait four years to have our child...I've got to say, I knew after dating him a very short while that I should marry him. I just knew. I had certainly never imagined with any previous boyfriend that I should impetuously run off and get married--and I laughed at people who did. (And not without cause--how many of them are still married now?) But when we got together, yes it was exciting and yes we were in love, but there was also this sensation of oh there you are, I've been waiting for you to show up forever. I'd say the reason you're still single is that you haven't had that feeling--and you're not irrational enough to think that getting married without that feeling is a wise decision.

Not to mention you've had kind of a busy year. There's been some reshuffling. You've been taking care of YOU, and that's the most important thing.