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17 January 2005 @ 06:23 pm
You know, I realize that all I do lately is whine, but dammit, I'm sick of my life being nothing but shit.

The computer woes continue. I am absolutely desperate to get my email back. The computer now has a Win XP installation over it, but as it boots up you can still choose Win 2K and if you do, you get a message that some file is missing and you have to get it off the Win 2K CD. Which, of course, I did not have. So my mom brought me her Win 2K CD this past weekend, and guess what? It won't install - it says that there isn't a version of Windows on the computer already. Funny that, as there are TWO. So then my brother says that all I need to do is load Office XP with Outlook onto the Win XP install and it'll find my Outlook files and all my email. Okay, sounds good. I go to install Office XP and it won't install, either. It gets to a certain point and then says it can't read a particular file on the CD. I can see a scratch on the CD so I figure that's the problem. My brother says that isn't the problem, it's because my CD-Rom drive is old and crappy. So, because I can't think of ANY other way to do it, I will likely be switching out the CD-Rom drive just to try and make this work, because we're talking about 8 years worth of saved email - personal, business, mailing lists, RS business, everything. And what REALLY pisses me off is that I DID save the archive of messages but I DIDN'T get around to FTPing the file before Win 2K took the complete and total nosedive. The idea of losing everything is making me seriously depressed.

My brakes are making a nice grinding noise, so I figure that they probably need to be replaced. Where I'm going to get the money to do this I do not know, so I guess I'll just have to ignore it and use a tree to stop the car when necessary. -.-!

Yes, that is horribly morbid of me, but quite frankly I've had it up to HERE with life. It's always one more thing. And I'm really getting to the point where it's one more thing too many. I don't know how much more I'm supposed to take. In the last few months I've lost the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, lost a number of close friends, seen my family grow further and further apart, get denied and denied and denied for a surgery I desperately need, realized that my finances are completely hopeless, and most days have to force myself to even get out of bed. I wonder why the hell I even bother - what do I have to live for? Sometimes I think I should just stop taking my prescription meds and let survival of the fittest take its course. Go ahead and judge me if you want to. Think I'm pathetic or sad if it makes you feel better. Maybe you can find some reason that my life is worth living. I sure as hell can't, and frankly, I'm not sure I even give a fuck anymore.
I feel: bitter, depressed, angry...
I cared not for consequences but wroteelorie on January 18th, 2005 12:36 am (UTC)
A couple of things to think about...

One, the medications you're taking may be messing with your head. Painkillers especially tend to do that. Things surely do sound difficult, but they may not be as bad as they feel.

Two, I have Been There and also Done That. Not in the specific details, but in the general havoc and having everything in my life go to hell at once aspect...yes, indeed. I have the "Everything in My Life Went to Hell and My Cat Is Mad at Me" t-shirt.

It does get better, eventually. Joy returns. Sometimes you have to hunt it down and trap it with a butterfly net, but still.

Three, you write smut. Therefore you bring joy into the lives of others. Write more smut; you will increase the amount of happiness in the world, and it will make *you* feel better :)
quidditchmaster on January 18th, 2005 12:51 am (UTC)
I wish I knew exactly what you are referring to when you make claims such as "desperate surgery", but what I do know is that you are a good person, and good people don't [or shouldnt] suffer for long. I believe everything is in balance; ebb and flow. If you are having a bad, bad time now, and can find no redeeming features, then perhaps what you are sacrificing now is time... in time, you'll have all positives, I'm sure. At least, I hope... it would be a bad shame, for many of us, you know... but, you see, you have to play on. You can't scoop it up... do not let the bastards win, you know? Think of it like that, I think, and you'll make it. Just... we gotta keep fighting. The good people can't lose for much long....

Oh, and, you make porn. We, as a society, definitely can't lose you =D

Stay in the ring. The bell will ring yet.
Alexandra Lynchalexandralynch on January 18th, 2005 05:28 am (UTC)
Oh, dear heart.

I can't say anything that will make it better. Just that you're not the only person shoving that bigass rock up that hill. I wish there was something I could do to help you out. As it is, I'm thinking of you, and wishing you the strength to just keep going. Sometimes that trudge onward is all we can do.
morgaina on January 18th, 2005 09:28 am (UTC)
Babe, you know we're here for you. You've got e-mail addresses and phone numbers for most of us. And you know you can ring us up anytime of the day or night if you need to talk.

I know things are just ridiculous for you right now. And I completely sympathize with everything going wrong all at once and the incredible UNFAIRNESS of it all. You're a good person, and you deserve better than this.

Give yourself a treat. It doesn't need to be anything huge, but think of something attainable that makes you truly happy. Whether it's a long shower, or a certain book, or wine, or a happy combination of the 3. When I'm upset about everything I try to do something to take my mind off it, even if it is just for 5-10 minutes. Just that little boost gives me enough strength to get through til something better comes along. Just find something better than retail therapy... I took my pain out on the Saks sales today. I felt great, but then I remembered 'Oh right, I'm moving, this was money I should not have spent.' Vicious cycle, that. But do something to make yourself happy, just so you can remember how it feels for a little while.

Maybe you can find some reason that my life is worth living.

All of US, for starters. 167 reasons right there. And remember, for every person commenting here there are 5 people reading this who want to help but don't know what to do. You're a good person, and you're loved, and my life would be a much bleaker place without you.
Kay Taylor: eowyn darkkay_taylor on January 18th, 2005 09:50 am (UTC)
I agree with everything Morgaina said above me - and she's put it better than I could have.

At times like this, sometimes the only thing you have to fall back on is faith. Not religious faith, but faith that there's some goodness out there that can't be readily seen at the moment. Because when life is as bad as this, you - subjectively - can't see anything but the badness, and that's what happens. But you have to believe that there's something other than the badness, and that's an objective truth, even if it's not within reach right now. I'm not sure I'm putting this well at all, but I've always found the "storm clouds covering the sun" my own therapist used to use unbearably annoying, so I'm trying to de-nursery it.

We're all thinking of you. And have you considered talking to your doctor about the meds you're on, and seeing whether any change could be made in those to help you feel better? I'm NOT suggesting artificial happiness, but sometimes drugs have a "creeping depression" side-effect that isn't often warned about, and a change to a new combination or dosage might do something. Er. I don't know. *hugs*
Jordan Catalanoprettyveela on January 19th, 2005 06:16 am (UTC)
I really don't know what to say because I really think this is your bottom point and I really do believe that we all need to get there in order to pick ourselves up to go back up to the top because there's nowhere else to go but up. I pray that's where you're at and there's nowhere to go but up. <3