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14 October 2002 @ 11:10 pm
Happy Un-Anniversary to Me...  
It's funny. There are some things in life that you just can never forget, even if you want to. Like getting married.

A lot of people will say to me, on finding out that I was married, that I don't "seem like someone who was married." I'm not certain what this means, really, except that they can't imagine me being a wife. That's okay - I really can't imagine it either. I barely remember that 1 1/2 years of my life - I think I've blocked a lot of it out. But it did happen.

On this day, 7 years ago, I walked down that aisle. I said forever with a smile upon my face, as the song goes. Obviously, it didn't last forever. I left him after 1 1/2 years, meaning we were together 3 total. But I can honestly tell you that you don't marry someone thinking it will ever end - I certainly didn't. I suppose that sounds stupid to say, but these days, as most marriages end in divorce, it's almost expected. But I never considered it. We were both from families where our parents were still married, and that's supposed to be a good sign, right? Well, not in this case.

I'm not saying I was or am perfect. I'm far from it. But I was in fact very naive. He was a drug addict, and while I knew he did drugs, I thought he'd kicked them. When we first started dating, he changed his life around - got a real job, went back to school, stopped doing the drugs. His parents looked at me like I was an angel, sent to save their son. That should've been my clue. He was 5 years older than me (I was 24, he was 29), and if he was still screwed up then, I should've gotten that I wasn't going to change him. But I didn't.

His changes didn't last. By the time the wedding actually happened, he was back to all his old tricks. But by that time I thought I loved him, and so we were married. Things were okay, although not great, for a few months. And then, when we'd been married about 9 months, he was arrested on felony drug possession. He already had one felony conviction, so they tossed him into jail. I should've left him there to rot, but no, I still thought I loved him. I took my inheritance from my grandmother, bailed him out of jail and got him a lawyer. Then I insisted we go for counseling.

The counseling was fairly ineffective. I imagine it would've worked better if he hadn't still been using. And then, there was the straw that broke the camel's back. We moved back to his old neighborhood.

This meant that he was very close to all his buddies who all do drugs. So now, I would come home from work every day to find him and them smoking bowls, that he hadn't worked all day, and hadn't done anything around the house, either. I was supposed to do everything.

Finally, I came home one Saturday morning, and we got into a fight. A huge fight that started over nothing. I can even tell you what it was about, because like I said, some things you just don't forget. This fight went on for hours and touched all sorts of subjects (including the fact that he'd been cheating on me, and in an open marriage, that's quite a feat), and culminated in him telling me that if I wanted this marriage to work, I would need to change emotionally, physically and spiritually. And something inside me snapped.

I called my mother and told her I was coming home. She sent my sister, brother and one of my brother's friends and they helped me pack up a bunch of my stuff (I still regret not having grabbed my CD collection - he SOLD it). I think my mom thought this was a temporary thing, but it wasn't. I never looked back.

That doesn't mean I didn't grieve. I did, for quite some time. But the wreck of that marriage and me not processing it properly led directly into the next diastrous relationship I was in, as well as me moving to San Diego. While I loved it there, it was overall not a great time in my life. There were some good parts, but there were mostly bad people, which sucked.

But in some ways I think I've come full circle. I'm back in Chicago, and while I may not be here forever (I hope not - damn cold!), I think it's where I need to be now. I have a lot more friends now, and people that care about me, and while I don't feel ready for a serious romantic relationship with anyone right now, I think when I am, I will be a much better person to be with.

So yes. I'll never be able to forget October 14th, but I'd like to think I'm the wiser for having taken that road.
I feel: contemplativecontemplative
(Deleted comment)
I want to be a genetic dead end.: Draco Malfoyshakespearechic on October 14th, 2002 09:28 pm (UTC)
Hmmm, I can see why certain events stay with you forever. I think getting married counts. ;)

I'm glad you're in a happy place for now! Chicago would definitely be too cold for me, but that's that. As for marriage... wow. Sometimes I feel I'm so picky and other times I do something stupid and feel so naive afterward. Life is really weird sometimes. And love is so... I don't know...

I'll stop rambling now. But your post just made me think about what can come up in my future, LOL.
Vicki: Pissed!Ginnyhermorrine on October 19th, 2002 10:53 pm (UTC)
Heh. Yeah, you definitely never know how life is going to turn out...
queerasjohn on October 15th, 2002 06:04 am (UTC)
lorelore on October 15th, 2002 08:57 am (UTC)
Wow, that's weird. My own parents' anniversary is today as well. And they are STILL married, even though she lives in Montana with another woman and he lives two hours from me, although he is currently trying to sell his house to move out there and try living with them for the second time.

It's disappointing (and wise) that your marriage ended so quickly. Sometimes, a marriage can drag on too long; way past the point of reason.... :)


love, lore
Vicki: me and my stickhermorrine on October 19th, 2002 10:57 pm (UTC)
Oooh... interesting what's going on with your parents, and not at all easy. As for me, occasionally I've wondered what might have happened if I hadn't left when I did, but it was never anything positive, so I think it was definitely for the best.
That's what she said.: <3altricial on October 15th, 2002 10:06 am (UTC)

You are so my role model.
Vicki: CLex Morrihermorrine on October 19th, 2002 10:54 pm (UTC)
Role model?! You're going to have to explain that one.
That's what she said.: -.-altricial on October 19th, 2002 10:59 pm (UTC)
Because I want to be strong like you! <3
hooray hooray, I'm your silver liningof_evangeline on October 15th, 2002 12:25 pm (UTC)
If this event in your life helped make you into the strong, admirable person you are today, then I can't complain. You're a stunning individual through and through.

Muah. :)
Vicki: can't fight the R/Hhermorrine on October 19th, 2002 10:54 pm (UTC)
*blushes* Not sure I feel that way lately, but thank you all the same. *mwah*