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31 December 2004 @ 12:28 am
Thanks and Some Pondering...  
First of all, I need to thank the following people for their lovely cards: chicagoamy (you and I really should meet for coffee or see a movie or something one of these days!), weatherby (loved the black and white), heidi8 (what happens if I email Jon, anyway? :D), delawarean (OMG TEH CUTE!!!), wordplay (apparently you want multiple phone calls or one really long one :D), sophie10 (no snow at the moment - it's ridiculously warm for this time of year - 13C/56F!), lore (thank you for the lovely photo!), bookshop (I like your new OTP ;)), frayer (from your card to the ears of the powers that be), and extra-special-surprised thanks to leiabelle, who sent me a gorgeous scarf she knitted herself!! I received it today and it is soft and fuzzy and very pretty - she made it to look similar to the one I have on in my icon, and it really does look like that. <3 Thank you so much Erin!!! *hugs and love to all of you*

AHAHAHAHA, I'm watching a special on hauntings and they're investigating the Eagle and Child Pub in Oxford. The psychic thinks there's a body buried in one of the walls. That might explain a few things...

Anyway, on to what I've been thinking about - leaving LJ. I'm not saying this to be melodramatic or histrionic, I'm simply trying to explain what I've been thinking about and trying to process for the past couple of days. In the almost 4 years I've had an LJ, I've never considered, for even one moment, deleting my LJ and leaving until now.

The last couple of weeks have not been particularly good ones for me, and a definite portion of that 'not good' has been because of LJ-related incidents. Last week was that incredibly nasty hate meme, and this week was even worse, with people I'd thought were friends of mine (one of whom used to be my best friend) making snide remarks about my feelings over a misinterpretation I'd made. These are the things making me wonder if the ills of LJ are currently overwhelming the good parts.

The problem really is mine. I'm lost and alone and I'm using LJ as a crutch. I know this, but I keep telling myself that it's okay, that with everything I'm going through, surely I'm allowed to have something - and ultimately many someones - to lean on. But maybe it's not helping, because I tend to read things I shouldn't and the scabs on my wounds get ripped wide open over and over again.

I'm tired of hurting.
I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing to live for.
I'm tired of taking a step forward, only to have something happen that pushes me two steps back.

But then there are the reasons to stay - all of you. So many of you have been wonderful to me - the beginning of this post is just some of the evidence of that - and I consider a number of you good friends. Obviously, without LJ, I wouldn't have met any of you, and if I leave, I might not meet some other great friends that could be lurking just around the corner. And there's no denying that there have been plenty of fun times on LJ.

So, that's where I'm at (in something of a nutshell). If you have any thoughts or advice, feel free to give it - I'm screening comments initially and will un-screen if I feel like it.

Also, FWIW, by leaving LJ I don't mean leaving fandom. I have ongoing commitments to both Restricted Section and The Witching Hour, so I'll still be involved in HP, no matter what else might happen.

I really wish I could get plastered sometime this weekend, but I don't think that's wise in conjunction with cold meds.
 
 
I feel: pensivepensive